Dirty Jokes from the Old Man

Here I am with Eliza Dushku. She played Faith, the rogue slayer in “Buffy, the vampire slayer." Here we are during the shoot of a scene from the series “Doll House” They were shooting in Downtown Los Angeles. My job was to detour the buses around the location while they were filming.

You may notice that she has the smile of a beautiful young woman. I have the grin of a Dirty Old Man.

Sometimes it’s just great to be me.

Now and again I’ve made the effort to hide my wicked and sinful nature but now, I give up. I am who I am so there’s no point trying to pretend any more. I might as well take delight in my wickedness. Here are some of my favorite jokes from the Old Man who, these days, takes all night to do what he used to do all night.

TEDDY BEARS

A woman met a man in a bar. After talking and a few drinks they went back to his place. As soon as she walked in she saw that he had a fantastic collection of Teddy Bears. They were arranged neatly on shelves on the wall. She wondered what was a GUY doing with Teddy Bears but she didn’t say anything because, before too long, they were taking the clothes off each other and spent the night in wild, passionate love.

The next morning she said to him;

“Well! How was it?’

He replied “Take any prize you want from the bottom shelf.”

This is Billy Connolly in 1976. He was on the Michael Parkinson show, one of the great Chat shows of British Television. This was the first time for Billy on national TV and this is the joke that made him famous outside Scotland.

THE BEGGING BOYFRIEND

It was late and he walked his girlfriend home to her house. At the front door he leaned seductively against the side of the door and said “Gimme a blow job”

“No!” she said “My parents are in”

“They’re asleep” he said “Gimme a blow job they won’t hear a thing”

“No!” she said “I can’t, not here”

It went on like this for a while with him begging and her saying no until the window opened and her sister put her head out and said;

“Dad says give him a blow job. If you won’t do it, I will. If necessary, mom will do it, but whatever, get his hand off the intercom!”

THREE MEN FROM CHINA

Three men came to America from China. Their names were Fu, Bu, and Chu. Because they were in America, they wanted their names to sound American. So Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck and Fu……….had to go back to China.

LIMERICKS

There was a young man from Kildare,

Who was having his wife on the stair,

The banister broke

So he doubled his stroke

And finished her off in mid-air.

On the bosom of sweet Abigail

Was written the price of her tail.

And on her behind,

For the use of the blind,

Was the same information in Braille.

WASHING DAY

Two women were talking across the garden fence;

“I don’t know how you do it!” one said. “You only hang your clothes out to dry when there’s good weather. If it rains your clothes are never out. What’s your secret? How do you know if the weather is going to be warm or raining?”

“It’s easy” said the other “Every morning I pull the bedclothes off my husband and if it’s laying to the right the day will be sunny, if it’s laying to the left it’s guaranteed to rain.”

“Oh yeah!” said the first woman “What do you do if it’s sticking straight up?”

“If it’s sticking straight up,” she answered “Who the hell wants to wash clothes.”

DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

A young woman went for a physical examination. She explained to the doctor that she needed the exam for a new job but this was the first time for her to have a physical.

“That’s all right” said the doctor “Just go behind that screen and take off your clothes.”

When she had done that she called out “What do I do now?”

The doctor replied “Fold them into a neat little pile and put them next to mine.”

A COUPLE OF LITTLE ONES

After making love he said “If I’d known you were a virgin I wouldn’t have done that”

She said “If I’d known you were going to do that I would’ve taken off my panty hose”

They were making out in a field, late at night. He said “I wish I had brought my flashlight.” She said “I wish you had too. You’ve been chewing the grass for the last five minutes.”